|
With the many forms of harassment also comes many types of harassers. People harass for various reasons and the best way to know how to cope with an harasser is to understand their drive. When you understand the drive of the harasser, you can then begin to understand how best to deal with the harasser. Understanding motivations helps in finding remedies. Aggressors Gossips Hero harasser Manipulators Mentor Mobsters Opportunists Passive Aggressives Passive harassers Progressives Quid pro quo harasser Situational harassers Serial harassers The stalker. Many harassers fit into one or more categories, though you will often find a dominate category for the harasser you are dealing with, you will also find subcategories. AKA: Bullies Identification: Easy Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation This type of harasser goes full force. It's the bully of the breed. The extreme macho person, who will not hesitate to use force to get across their point of harassment. This type can be found on the playgrounds, in the Jr high, high schools, and colleges, and yes sadly in the workplace. This type is aggressive, and loud. Their main form of bullying is blunt force or intimidation. This type likes to slam doors, beat their fits together to scare, intimidate or make your feel uncomfortable. These are the kids that never learnt to play fair, and they still don't know how to, but they can affect your future outcome at higher levels of education and employment. Bullies and aggressors have to be handled with caution. You want to be careful to not show fear or be intimidated by bullies, they sense fear the same way a dog does. They feed on fear and they thrive on it. Once they find a source they can feed on, they will feast on that supply until there is nothing left. Bullies should be dealt with in an aggressive manner when possible, but at arms length most other times. Face up to bullies, but you don't have to physically confront them. There are other aggressive ways to deal with bullies, that does not involve physical confrontation. This aggressor is all about feeling powerful. Power over the circumstances and those in the circumstances. They want to be the ones in charge. They want to know that their will is being asserted above others. They also like the attention derived from bullying. Ease of Identification: Medium Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation This type of harasser will tell lies, make up rumors, put speculation in peoples minds, whatever will get the rumour mill turning. This person will go after your credibility at every angle. Gossips will start rumours for various reasons including, jealousy, revenge, power trips, destroying another's credibility, getting a position in a company or assignment, stealing friends, associates, just for fun, or even to get attention. The gossip is probably the most widely encountered of all harassers. They are perceived as being one of the most harmless, but are some of the most dangerous, because their actions can have lasting ramifications on another persons character, reputation, or environment. Gossips are about getting attention, they always have their ear to the ground, month to the blow-horn, and if you want information they are the place to go to get it. This is how the gossip derives their power. They are a valuable source of information, and when they can't find out what they want they are not above making it up. Rumours do not go away just because you ignore them, they can often surface when you least expect them to. The best way to fight rumors is awareness. What you don't know can hurt you, in an educational or workplace environment. AKA: Confidant or Gentleman Identification: Hard Location: Any location Harassment Situations. Any situation This harasser is one of the sleaziest kinds. They separate themselves from the other harassers. They don't act like the other harassers. They might even at times step in and boldly and chivalrously ask the other harassers to temporarily cease and desist with the torment. This harasser wants to be your friend, your confidant, a true hero. This harasser at heart is just like the others except worst, because they pretend to be your friend. This harasser is most often found in sexual harassment situations, but can be found in other situations. They will befriend the victim, gain their trust, and maybe even offer protection from the harassment. This type of hero harasser will then try to procure sexual favors as a reword for their good deeds, or for being your friend and confidant. Because this harasser seems so different and so trustworthy it's often a confusing time for the victim. Harassment is one of the hardest situations to deal with. When this harasser comes along the victim thinks they have finally found someone who they can trust, a friend they can talk to, someone they can rely on. This wolf in sheep's clothing however has only one goal, and that is to find out personal information and vulnerabilities of the victim, so they can make their move. This type of harasser often sees themselves as different than the other harassers, they don't see themselves as the same thing. They try to convince themselves that they are better or different than the others, and then they don't understand why you want nothing to do with them after they have made their harassment move. They will often after come around asking if something is wrong? Did they do something to offed you,? Are you alright? Knowing full well what they have done, or attempted and the reasons you are not speaking to them. This type of harasser will often feign shock or outrage at your accusation. This type of harasser also probably spends a great deal of time procuring their hero or gentleman image for the crowd, and they may try to discredit your accusation, or make it seem like you don't know what you are talking about, or imply that you are lying. If unable to pull of the aforementioned scenario they may imply or state that you initiated the moves and you were a willing participant in the words, behaviours, or actions they tried to perpetrate. Ease of Identification: Medium Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation Manipulators are very convincing. They are good at telling lies and they won't hesitate to do so when their hands get caught in the cookie jar. Manipulators want to get their own way. They want to bend or break you to their way of thinking or being, when you resist they will pull out all the stops. They will withhold customer complements, favorable reviews, steal your test papers, set you up to make you look bad, they will start rumors and lies to discredit you. They are very good at faining shock and surprise, even tears to cover their manipulative ways. They are often soft spoken, but they carry a big manipulative stick, which they will wield. These harassers like passive-aggressor's are subtle. The best way to deal with these manipulators is to avoid them when possible, they are sneaky and dangerous. If not possible to stay away, then you might have to fight fire with fire. Eg. Go behind their back and explain to others what they are doing, or what you suspect they are doing. If confronted these harassers just fain, shock and deny everything. AKA: Role Model Identification: Easy Location: School or Work Harassment Situations. Sexual harassment This type of harassment along with hero harassment is the worst kind because you actually build a relationship or friendship with your harasser. This type of harasser is there for you. They are your friends, confidants, mentors. You build a close bond. The harasser helps pave your way in the school or workplace, they give you tips and pointers on how to survive, they seem to really look out for you. You consider yourselves to be friends, and then they gradually want to take the association to another level. When you say no, they are hurt by your rejection and you might be somewhat confused by the sudden amorous attentions that you did not anticipate. This type of harasser might not initially mean to harass you, but the moment you say no, or no thank you and the behaviours, words, or attentions continue, then it's turned into harassment. You feel bad about reporting this kind of harasser, because they have done a great deal to assist you in your educational or workplace employment goals. Knowing that you are not likely to report the harassment, this person becomes bolder with their prompting and intentions towards you. You might not want to lose the help, assistance, or friendship that this person has provided to you, but if the harassment keeps escalating you might not have a choice but to report the harassment. If you are really friends this person would respect acknowledge the boundaries that you are trying to set. If you do not get the harassment stopped, this person could well escalate the harassment to a level neither you nor the harasser wants to occur. If you can remove yourself from the harasser by transferring class, changing departments, switching teams that might be one solution. The second is to report the harasser. Individuals do not like to talk about this form of harassment, due the personal relationship they have developed with their mentor. They do not want to betray this trust, but it's important to find a source you can confide in. AKA: Gang Bangers Identification: Easy Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation These are groups of harassers. They cheer and geer each other on to higher levels of harassing, humiliating, degrading individuals or groups. These types are motivated and spurred by the desire for recognition and power, this is achieved by degrading and humiliating others around them. Groups like this have very little power or control within their workplace or school environment. Recognition, power, position and acknowledgement is derived by taking part in harassment behavior. They often receive positive reinforcement from staff, students, co-workers, senior management and their group, so the behaviour continues and escalates. Mobsters and gang bangers are most aggressive when in the presence of other harassers. Though they may harass on their own, their activity is most prevalent when they are accompanied by their friends, or associates. The key drive for mobsters is recognition within the environment they choose to do the harassment. Mobsters and gang-banger harassment is dangerous, because members of this group will try to come up with new ways to excel at harassing you. Instead of working towards academic or employment achievements where they do not excel, the harassers focus becomes fixated on the person or persons they are harassing. It makes them feel superior at something and to someone, instead of work or school achievements, your humiliation becomes their ribbons, your degradation their trophy, and your complete destruction and devastation is the prize. These groups thrive on the positive reinforcements they get from their group or from society at large. They have no motivation to discontinue the behaviour unless they get clear indication from student review board, HR or senior management that the behaviour is wrong. When harassment is coming from your senior managers or professors, it's near impossible to get the situation corrected or stopped. When groups of people are involved in the harassment the other problem is to find witnesses who will come forward and confirm the harassment is taking place. Many witnesses are passive, or scared to come forward. They do not want the harassment perpetrated against themselves, and they do not want the guaranteed backlash that will come from testifying against the mobster, gang-banger cliques or posse. Being placed in a situation like this is extremely intimidating and can be hard to get corrected, just based on the sheer number of individuals involved in the harassment. Changing where you are situated might be one solution, although mobsters and gang-bangers are often well connected, and they will have a network of friends or associates that they can call upon to harass you if they are not able to. Ease of Identification: Medium Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. All situations This is the modus-operandi harasser. Give them the opportunity and that is all the motive that they need. This type of harasser is the type that you might see anywhere. On the street, doctors office, church, work, school. The opportunist is very similar to the situational harasser, but where a specific setting such as an office party, business trip will set off the situational harasser, the opportunist does not need that much motivation or prompting. An elevator, a close space when passing in the hallway, no witnesses around or present, the can I get away with it, mechanism kicks in and they decide to see what they can get away with. A quick grab, or grope, a nasty suggestion, explicit words, brushing up too close, licking lips in a suggestive unwelcome manner, racial or discriminatory slur, sexist comment, homophobic statements, etc. There are very few indicators or predictors to say when someone will use an opportunity to show aggression or harass another person. Usually the person being harassed is so caught off guard, they don't know what to say or do and hang in shock and surprise. The best way to handle this type of harasser is to recover quickly, the longer you stay off guard, the greater the advantage they have. Turn full face frontal, deliver appropriate action if necessary, then ask in a clear and assertive tone. What did you just do? What did you just say? If desired deliver a verbal tirade about how inappropriate you found the actions, words, or behaviour to be. This will help the harasser remember and think twice the next time they see what looks like an irresistible opportunity to harass. AKA: Pests Identification: Hard Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation This type of harasser would not hurt a fly, that is as long as no one is looking. They are just as aggressive as aggressors, however they are 10 times better at hiding it. The Mr and Mrs nice guys and girls of the office or the school. They are on surface pleasant, easy to get along with, friendly, and yet under this exterior they are all about having their own way. They like to have their own way, and when they can't get it, they will become annoying or aggressive. Eg. The guy at the office who asks the girl out, she says no, but in his own sweet little none aggressive way, he asks her out again, and again, each time in a more persistent manner, but it's all done under the guise of being Mr nice guy. The harassment is hardly if at all ever seen as harassment, because they are the nicest person and they would not hurt a fly. This person will often have someone do their dirty work, or try to use social or peer pressure with the help of others to get their own way. The harasser will use sympathetic friends and acquaintances. They will plead their case and their cause, trying to make their actions seem justified and harmless. This type is dangerous, simply because they are hard to spot and even harder to show as the harassers that they are. This harasser wants to be made to feel special and important, cared for. The moment this harasser is confronted about their action or publicly called to task they will usually back off going into passive mode, hurt by the unfair accusation, because we all know this harasser would never hurt a fly. Identification: Easy Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation This harasser goes along with what everyone else is doing because they want to fit in, they want to belong. They have no personal reason for harassing you except that it helps them to fit in and be part of the crowd. They put up no resistance to what's going on. This person has no character or will of their own. They will go along with whatever everyone else is doing, if it helps them to fit in and belong. Pathetic as it may seem this is the motivation behind the behavior. They fear that if they do not go along with what everyone else is doing they will be harassed themselves, disliked, or shunned by those around them, and so they take part in the harassment. The best way to deal with a passive harasser is to discontinue the association. They are so controlled by their desire to be part of the crowd, there is no limit to what they will do to fit in. These harassers may not be bad people, but they are not good enough on an emotional level to say no, I won't go along with this behaviour. Ease of Identification: Medium Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation This type of harasser might start off with small innocent little actions, words or deeds, however this honeymoon period does not last long. In time their degree of harassment will begin to increase and to intensify. The progression can be very rapid or over a long period of time depending on the situation. This type of harasser thrives on the power and the control they have over another person. They like being able to degrade and humiliate, it gives this harasser a sense of well being, and they will try new and different ways to harass, scare, intimidate or degrade. They feed off of their own sense of omnipotence. They are harassing you, but no action is being taken, no lines are being drawn in the sand, no recognizable boundaries are being put in place and so they continue to rage out of control. This harasser if not put in check could escalate to physical violence. This harassers is looking for boundaries, either from you or from someone in authority, if they don't get boundaries set, they will see how far they can go. Identification: Easy Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Sexual harassment This type of harasser is really easy to spot. They don't make a game of their intentions or try to pretend the harassment is something other than what it is. This type of harasser is also often found in situations of sexual harassment. They want something in return for something else. Usually sexual favors, but it can be anything. If it's a professor they will often start by finding someone who might be falling behind. They might offer to help out with the grades in return for some after hours activities not written in the school code of conduct manual. If it's in the work place environment, this type of harasser will offer to promote you, give you that raise, if you put in some overtime their way. This harasser will try to ask for or foster activities upon you, not found in your workplaces code of conduct handbook. As sickening as this breed is, at least they are easy to spot, and the harassment is pretty straight forward. Saying no is your first phase of defence, if this fails then tape recordings or emails are a good way to catch this type of harasser in the act. Ease of Identification: Medium Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Sexual Harassment This harasser is motivated by specific social or situational settings. An office party, an overnight business trip, a quite dorm room, is the playground for this type of harasser. There is no one easy identifier for this type of harasser. This is the type of harasser that you could have worked with or gone to school with for years, and they have never done anything inappropriate. Suddenly you get into a situation that you may not have encountered with the harasser before and then the harassment occurs. This type of harasser is usually found in sexual harassment cases. Eg. You and the harasser have to share a hotel because of a business meeting, suddenly the harasser turns from doctor Jekyll to Mr/Mrs Hyde. Make it clear to the harasser that their desired outcome is not going to happen. Ease of Identification: Medium Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. All situations These repeat offenders much like the serial rapist on the street, are allowed to continue their harassment behaviours over and over again. These are people who will harass once, and continue from there. The thing that keeps them going is the failure to be put in check by some authority figure of figures. These types can be found anywhere. The construction persons on the street, the university professor who has a reputation for grading on a curve. (The more curves the better.) The manager who has been to HR so many times they have their own lazy boy sofa, but nothing is ever done. These harassers start to think that they are above the law, and in-fact they have been for so long, they are not particularly careful about hiding their harassing behaviour, and they tend to be more overt with the harassment than passive. Your best bet for dealing with these harassers is to say no, say it often and loud. However be prepared for consequences. Take great notes, you know it's going to go to H/R and beyond so be ready. The second way is to transfer to a different team, department or course, but that just leaves the way paved for the next victim to be prayed upon. Someone has to try to stand up at some point to these harassers, so why not consider taking a stand. Identification: Medium Location: Anywhere Harassment Situations. Any situation Stalkers stalk to obtain the unattainable. The person you could never get close to on your own is suddenly in reach. The celebrity you would never form a relationship with, now you have one. The ex who does not want anything to do with you, now you don't have to let go. A stalker can be found in just about every situation. Stalkers like to be in control of the situation. They derive control by knowing where you are and what you are doing 24hrs a day. There are several kinds of stalkers. There is the intimate stalker, the ex who just can't let go. Celebrity stalkers, people who stalk you because they have gotten an unhealthy interest in who you, and there is also the cyber stalker. This stalker follows your every move online. They will stalk through email messages, Instant messages and sometimes even by downloading programs onto your computer so they can track your every move. It's again all about power and control. They can tap into your intimate and personal spaces. They see you but they think that you don't see them. Stalkers can be moderately annoying to downright dangerous. It can be hard to identify a stalker at first, because they might just seem overly friendly or to be taking an interest in you, but at some point the line gets crossed, and before you know it they are tracking your every move. You should when possible make it clear to the stalker that the behaviour is not desired or acceptable. Depending on the stalker you might have to take legal action, or get a restraining order. Stalking for some people has been so bad that they have had to move. |